Children's writing: From Thunder To Sun (a story with an extended metaphor) - by J

What a cracking story, J! You have used pathetic fallacy to describe the emotions of the weather and they mimic the actions and feelings of the character.

You have carefully weaved this extended metaphor throughout your story to show the changing emotions of the protagonist, Aidan, and how his tumultuous approach to life is brought into question by the kind act of another child. He then lowers his guard and starts to be less defensive.

You end the story on a metaphor that neatly brings this pathetic fallacy to a conclusion:

He had come out of the thunder and into the sun.

A stupendous story, J, and thank you for sharing.


Let's read ...

FROM  THUNDER  TO SUN - by J

There was always a bawling raincloud above Aidan Barry’s head; he never cared about anything he did - nor did anyone else. He had a sullen heart. He was a hermit; he lived in what was technically a cave that looked like a cyclone had just hit it. He was a walking disaster.

“Pft” he’d shout when anyone asked him to do anything; he was lazy, lousy and laconic and I don’t know which  qualities were worst. A bubbling pot of boiling potion always rose inside of him- anger-jealousy-loneliness. Raised voice were always present at the Barry house: Aidan’s mother turning red, her fist clenched as tight as possible, and his father spraying spittle all over the place. Aidan would shout and scream. He always came out of it with a bruise, so you can imagine what he had done. Late to school again, putting gum under the table, starting food fights in the canteen - you could name any type of bad behaviour and he would have done it.

A chilly downpour ran down the back of Aidan’s neck, matching his own iciness; he dragged his feet, deliberately getting his brand new school socks wet- destroying them like he had done to the other six pairs he had. A storm was brewing in the sky and thunder was rumbling like the sound of marble being let loose on a stone floor. The grey bowl  overhead looked as if it had been split in two - the piercing light-bulb of lightning like a sharp guillotine blade.

“Late again, Aidan” Miss Ranley tutted, her long spine holding the weight of her head. Pushing his chair back, scraping it back across the floor, he felt an amusement when all his classmates covered their ears- with despairing looks- when the caterwaul of a raking chair  cut through their ears like a siren. He slumped into his chair, growling with a cynical look on his face.

Lunchtime finally arrived. On the way, Aidan tripped a couple of Year 1’s and heard them shout In agony- threat was like music to his ears. Outside thunder was still rumbling, the clouds heavily layered- rain dropping the size of bullets. He thought about the nasty things he was going to do this break - jump on a football to deflate it and make someone feel bad, when suddenly all he could see was darkness. Gravel was mixed in his tangled hair that he never brushed. Sniggering filled his ear;  everyone was jeering- all except one.

“It’s okay- do you need help up?” a beaming face asked, not caring about what anyone else jeered about.

“Thanks” he replied and a seed of hope was starting to grow inside him.

The sun came out, matching that seed of hope, as Aidan now had a friend.  Liam cared about him- unlike anything else. Maybe he should stop being nasty he thought;  at least now he knew what it felt like. It is going to different from now on he thought. He had come out of the thunder and into the sun.

-ends-